Tuesday, September 26, 2006

why are you so fat?

probably too much sugar. or salt.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

what i need.

i usually don't participate in internet quiz-list-type-stuff, but this one was actually pretty good. bascially, the way it works is, type your name and the word "needs" into google search. make sure you use quotes. then you're supposed to write the first thing that comes up. for example, the person that sent this to me, lori, typed in "lori needs" -- with the quotes -- and she got the following:

lori needs to step out into the experiences of others and use that to make an attitude change.

of course, while my first one was interesting, i had to include the first 4 -- because the other three are priceless:

1) michael needs dependable adults in his life who will help him learn how to navigate peer relationships, champion him when it's merited, and act as his advocates with the school system so that he gets the services and specialized instruction that he needs.

2) michael needs photographs of both sides of the animal, in different positions.

3) michael needs a life without cock.

4) michael needs to learn that for every man there is a condom, and a good condom is one that a man does not even know is there.

but i think all of it can be summed up by what happened when i put in "mike needs:"

mike needs a date.

what do you need?

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Wednesday, September 6, 2006


okay, you know how on gmail they'll put links at the top of the page based on whatever's in your e-mail (scary, huh? they're actually reading your e-mails to direct you somewhere on the net...) -- like for example, when i clicked on this one e-mail i had sent out about these 20-year-old twins in wisconsin who had seen a girl's picture in the obituary section of a local paper and decided they wanted to dig up her corpse so they could... um... (well, hey, at least they bought condoms at the walmart on the way to the cemetary -- they aren't TOTALLY stupid) a link to an article about emilio estevez getting engaged came up. anyway, yesterday for some reason a link to this page came up on my gmail:

How to Draw a Caveman.

go ahead, click on it. this is what you'll learn how to draw:

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how the hell is that considered a caveman? just because he has a beard? i have a beard. just because his hairline is receding? my hairline is receding. just because he looks kind of stupid? i look kind of stupid. but none of this makes me a caveman. or does it? maybe i am a caveman. but to me, this drawing looks like a goddamned stoner-hippie. we all know that cavemen have super-long hair, furrowed brows, and accessories like clubs and giant cellphones.

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now look, i'm not the greatest artist in the world, but i do some pretty damn good doodles. just ask anyone who's ever worked with me -- my note-taking skills during meetings are top notch. here's a sample:

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i draw freaking GHOST RABBITS! they are awesome -- much more so than smiling grateful-dead idiots. and, up for the challenge, here is my quick drawing of a caveman:

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not bad. it kinda looks like my dad as a caveman. better than the hippie one. not as good as this one, though:

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captain caveman rules.

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

the best video games in town.

i was feeling kind of down the past few days -- you know, the kind of feeling you get when all the cash you have is going towards this month's rent even though your car's brakes sound like the bones of infidels grinding in hell and it's embarrassing -- not to mention dangerous -- to drive and you should really get them fixed now but you still drive to ralphs at 9pm to turn in all your change at the coinstar so you can buy sliced turkey and bread to use for lunch all week.

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but then i found this:

holy cow. i've watched this so many times today that i know every nuance, and my head might explode at this point. i even posted a comment on youtube for the first time ever -- just to let whoever made this know how brilliant they are. it kicked my ass out of the bullshit. i didn't spend the day sitting around moping, pretending to work -- no, i reclaimed my lust for life, my quest for knowledge, my creative drive.

with this reinvigorated sense of discovery and open-minded-ness, i was able to learn many things today. like for instance, i had NO IDEA that the lead singer of powerman 500 (or is it 5000?) is rob zombie's younger brother. and i also didn't know (but always had a strong suspicion that) i'm psychic (well, maybe not psychic, but a good reader of people -- a girl came into our office today, and everyone thought she was pretty hot. turns out she's a virgin, and as soon as i heard that i said "she's a mormon" and BAM... she's from utah! which probably means i'm right about someone else in the office having a raging coke habit...). and i always knew what a great song elvin bishop's "fooled around and fell in love" is, but never realized that i wish it had been my prom theme. and there was another thing i learned, but i forgot what that was.

thanks video game underground!


i never watched the crocodile man show, but i've felt it's presence for the past, what, 20 years it's been on the television. and, yes, it's a shame when anyone dies (except for bob hope), so i certainly offer my condolences to the aussies -- besides fosters beer and crocodile dundee, they didn't have much going for them. if you think about it, crocodile man was the real-life crocodile dundee. something that probably pissed paul hogan off to no end. in fact, has anyone thought of questioning the stingray? perhaps there's foul play afoot.

at any rate, all mourning aside, while i personally think it's great that the crocodile man died doing what he loves (i.e. getting attacked by wild animals), i must say that, in my book, this goes down as one of the douchiest deaths ever. it ranks up there with sonny bono skiing into a tree (and worse than that was when michael kennedy died shortly after him in the same manner. who's that, you ask? EXACTLY. there's nothing worse than copying a douche-y death. especially when your only claim to fame is being the son of bobby kennedy. and the sixth son out of eleven, making us all care even less. the cries for help were there -- a few months before he died, news broke that m-k was banging his family's babysitter. while she was underage. and she was totally down with it -- she wouldn't cooperate with the authorities to file charges. that's cool and all, but dude, if you're going to die a douche-y death, make it fucking original.). i mean, seriously, he's the fucking CROCODILE MAN -- he should've been killed fist-fighting a dragon or something. instead, he's stung by this jack-ass:

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hmmm... guess he does look pretty vicious. anyway, rest in peace, crocodile man. the animal kingdom can now give a collective sigh of relief.


after posting this, i did a little research and discovered that michael kennedy actually died from skiing into the tree a month BEFORE sonny bono did. my bad. actually, the more i sit with it all, the cooler m-k seems. considering the babysitter thing and all. and that makes sonny the copy-cat-douche-y-death. no wonder he couldn't keep cher satisfied...